Perfectionism in Sport -

Perfectionism in Sport

Perfectionism is a combination of exceedingly high personal standards and overly critical self-evaluation. Perfectionism can be viewed from three different perspectives: perfectionism of self, of others, and social prescribed perfectionism. Your athlete may experience one or all three dimensions. Athletes that direct their perfectionism towards themselves typically have unrealistic expectations of themselves and can be quite punitive in their self-evaluations. Athletes that direct perfectionism towards others have exceedingly high expectations of others and evaluate them quite critically. Socially prescribed perfectionism shows up when athletes believe they are being judged by others and that they must perform perfectly in order to win the approval of others, specifically from parents and coaches. Any form of perfectionism is detrimental to performance. Perfectionistic athletes often play timidly, experience performance anxiety, and struggle with focus.

Here are some signs that your athlete may be experiencing perfectionism:
1. Plays differently in practice than in competition
2. Has difficulty bouncing back from mistakes
3. Responds to mistakes with harsh self-criticism or blames others for mistakes
4. Focuses on winning
5. Procrastinates
6. Uses all or nothing thinking
7. Has unrealistic expectations of self and or others
8. Fears failure
9. Responds to coaches’ feedback defensively or defeatedly
10. Has a hard time relaxing

Red flag parenting behaviors that perpetuate perfectionism:
1. Finding yourself talking about your teen’s sport, games, or practices to the exclusion of other subjects
2. Overscheduling your teen
3. Not allowing injuries to heal completely before returning to play
4. Ignoring your teen after a game
5. Leaving in the middle of a game because you are disappointed in your teen’s performance
6. Continuing to offer suggestions even when you notice your teen is upset
7. Finding yourself saying “I’m not coming to your game if you’re going to play like that” or “I’m not going to waste my time or money to watch you play or practice like that”
8. Comparing your teen to other athletes
9. Monitoring your teen’s stats and playing time
10. Including your teen in gossip about team politics, ie, coach’s decisions about playing time etc.

HERE’S WHAT PARENTS CAN DO TO SUPPORT THEIR PERFECTIONISTIC ATHLETES

Focus on the process and let go of outcome. Forget about stats and the wins. Ask your athlete what he or she did well in practice
or in the game. You can also do this when watching sports. Notice the pro or collegiate athlete’s process and open discussion
about the focus you see, the effort, the sportsmanship. Ask your athlete what he or she sees. Choose curiosity over evaluation.
Observe the 24-hour rule. Wait 24 hours before you talk about a game or competition. This gives you both a chance to let
emotions settle. Choose curiosity over evaluation.
Let them fail and embrace it. Encourage your athlete to talk about mistakes. Talk about the value of mistakes. Avoid saving them
from experiencing the feelings that go along with making mistakes. Validate their feelings. Develop an awareness about your own
thoughts and feelings about mistakes. Your words must match your attitudes and behaviors. Choose curiosity over evaluation.
Let your athlete see you make mistakes. Authentically talk about your mistakes and perhaps the conflicted feelings you
experience about making mistakes. Give examples and talk about your struggle. Teens often see parents as perfect and it can
be relieving for them to know you struggle too.
Let them know you love them no matter how they play. Perfectionistic athletes tie their self-esteem and self-worth to
their achievements. It is important for them to know they are worthy regardless of how they perform. What your perfectionistic
athlete needs to hear from you is “I love to watch you play!”. The message you’re sending is that your joy is tied to watching
them not in what they achieve.
Let coaches give the constructive feedback. Your perfectionistic athlete already knows everything they did wrong in
a game or practice. Even if they ask for your constructive feedback, refrain. In fact, talk about what they think of their
performance. It’s bound to be critical. Acknowledge how being self-critical feels helpful to them: “ I totally understand how
you believe analyzing your mistakes helps you get better and you want me to help you with that. Your coach is probably the
best person to ask though. He/she is the expert.
Role model self-compassion. Your athlete is watching you. Role model the behaviors that will help your athlete bounce
back from mistakes. Research shows that self-compassion leads to resilience far faster than critical self-evaluation.
Focus on all parts of your athlete’s identity. During the high school years varsity and travel sports can be all consuming for
a family. So much of the conversation entails the details surrounding sports and performance. Noticing and valuing different
aspects of your athlete’s identity conveys that you value who they are beyond their performance or athletic identity.
Commenting on their role as a brother or sister or who they are as a friend sends a positive message. Also look for
opportunities to relate what they do on and off the field to your family’s values. One day their sport career will come to end.
Whether it be after high school or college graduation or even at the end of a professional career, your athlete will adjust to
life after sports best when they value all parts of their identity.
To parent a peak performer, you have to be a peak performer: Your athlete is watching you. You want to be sure you
are doing your own personal development and addressing any perfectionism you might be experiencing. Research shows
that perfectionism of self stays constant over time regardless of changes in the environment which tells us that there is
some genetic predisposition to perfectionism.